So this letter has been sitting in my "draft" box for a while. I wasn't all that sure if I wanted to post it as it's more personal than most, but what the heck.... I suppose.

It's been officially two months since I've been home after what was the longest time I've ever been away.

I thought I would be able to get right into the grove of things, but in truth it's nothing of the sort. My life before I left for Thailand was well, the life of a college student and a mini-traveler (traveling to Europe the previous summer and going to Hong Kong after graduation), and now that I'm done with school and I am not traveling, what kind of grove is there? Well, I guess catching up on sleep, walking Kodie, running errands for the folks and grandpa, and vegging out in front of the TV or on the couch reading isn't bad (except I'm going stirr crazy from the montonous routine of it all). And while I should get a job, with the economy and my lack of experience because companies don't want to hire people with no experience, I'll wait a bit til I get more settled in grad school (confused...keep reading).

The weird thing is that life here all feels foreign to me despite being back (and I'm sure it's not culture shock any longer). I can't explain it exactly. Nothing much has changed in San Francisco (besides the SF Giants winning the World Series wooooot!!! and an invasion of hipsters all over), but it's like I've suffered a disconnect from my old life. Don't get me wrong, I've been going out occasionally to see friends and family, and everyone was happy to welcome me home, which was nice, but they all wanted to talk to me and ask questions about my life in Thailand and what I'll be doing next. And all I wanted to do was go home.

Unfortunately, when I did go home, I often wished I stayed out with friends. Or I wished I went out more instead of turning down offers to hang out so to escape such a humdrum life, and to live life amongst the people I really missed so much when I was away.

The first thing I see whenever I enter my room now are trinkets of my time abroad. You would think pictures, but those are usually the last for me to do. I guess when I print them, it's a bit more finalized that that journey has ended.  I can't tell you how many nights I kept "blanking" and thought of my times abroad, thinking about this and that. And while seeing some of my trinkets made me oh so grateful for the opportuntity to have gone and travel, it reminds me of all I've left. Not that I would not have been leaving less behind here in SF, but a different loss. Let's just hope I can look at it as a promise of more to come. I really want to believe that.

Perhaps though the sensible thing would be to stop thinking of Thailand and all the "what ifs" if I stayed. I have so much on my plate that I need to really just push myself forward to think of my time as a graduate student come August.



You know those 5 stages of grief (and I use that word extremely loosely) - well I was in denial for the longest time despite being interviewed for graduate school 2 days after I returned.

I never thought I'd actually get into USF's program and that I'd returned to Thailand sooner rather than later. But once I got accepted, and I finally spoke to my parents about the possibility of graduate school, there was no holding back. Factor in my parents age, their insistence that they want me to go now rather than later because they'd help with some of my expenses, oh and of course my desire to want to be a counselor, I accepted. No more denying I'll be in SF for 2 years straight and not traveling.

I definitely skipped anger because there really is no point in being angry. I alone made these choices to apply (applying abroad without thinking at all I'd fall in love with the country = stupidity), and there's no where else to place the blame than on me. Plus what is there to be angry about. I got to live, travel, and explore several amazing countries, and I got into graduate school. It would really just be overtly petty if I was angry. Though I'm still sulking...does that mean I'm still in denial a bit? Possibly.

And then there is bargaining. Self made and hopefully will come true (fingers crossed). Finish school, possibly get a job via my practicum or internship for additional experience (all the more to seem "professional"), and in less than 5 years return.

Skipping depression and onto acceptance. Nothing less can be done. I mean I have less than a month so I might as well start accepting my life as it is now.